"Relax, Bob. It's true! Little 'ol Brooke Burke has got the reality TV concept of the century wrapped up. And it's a "Life is Great" exclusive; signed, sealed and delivered...," the smirking bikini horse brayed. Bob checked out the contract Brooke Burke was brandishing and damned if she wasn't right....Charlize Theron in a ten round boxing match...but a match with a wicked, irresistible twist! Not only would her opponent change each round, but as the rounds went by, the opponents grew progressively tougher and more talented!!

"Lemme see the list of Palookas she's supposed to blow through," the resolutely skeptical Bob demanded.

He'd long ago sized Burke up as a big-talking; no-talent con artist. Her previous E! series, "Wild On" and "Rank" hadn't exactly filled the corporate trophy case with Emmys! He'd been adamantly opposed to giving Brooke a third chance at a series, but he was overruled from above by executives blinded by Burke's rather conspicuous 'assets' - the ones conspicuously on display in the November Playboy! But, like it or not, "Life is Great" became a reality and as he read the contract he realized something else was a reality; the ironclad language in the contract which bore Charlize's elegant signature!

Could Brooke Burke finally have managed to do something RIGHT and pull off a coup that would surely catapult his struggling channel to the top of cable ratings? Bob carefully examined the list of opponents in the contract and as he read each name, he smiled more wryly - and the ever observant Brooke gleefully watched the bulge in his pants grow.

"My God!" he gasped. "This is truly a milestone in television history!" Bob jumped enthusiastically on Burke's bandwagon, gushing to his new 'best friend', "Brooke, you're about to become a fuckin' mega-star!"

"That I am, Bob," she chortled. "That I am!"

With that, Brooke turned toward the door, giving Bob a very attractive view of her splendidly sculpted ass. Alone for a moment, the giddy executive stepped to his bookcase and removed an anthology of Seinfeld lore from the shelf. "They're real and they're SPECTACULAR," Bob whispered; clutching the book and summoning up an image of Teri Hatcher wearing nothing but a towel.

Yes, the cinematic catfight that had stiffened penises from coast to coast in the late 90s - Teri Hatcher (aka Lois Lane) vs. a then unknown Charlize Theron in the quirky cult classic "2 Days in the Valley" was about to be reprised as a three minute slugfest on his little cable channel.

"They're real, they're spectacular AND they're gonna get PANCAKED!" declared a feminine voice from the hallway.

"Wha....? Aisha Tyler!" Bob cooed happily. "How long's it been? My God; you look amazing. What's up?"

"Shake hands with Charlize Theron's new trainer and manager," Aisha said, extending her right hand confidently.

"I'll be damned!" Bob chuckled. "Hey, wait a sec....does Brooke know about this?"

"Hell no!" Aisha chuckled, rolling her eyes at the very mention of her old arch-rival's name. "And you are NOT gonna tell her....are you Bob?" Aisha asked, taking a firm grip on Bob's testicles to ensure he came up with the correct answer.

"Errrrrrrrrrrk...can I call a lifeline?" Bob whispered frantically. When Aisha squeezed tighter, he red-faced and wheezing, mumbled, "NO! Of course not....no-o-o-t m-e-e-e!"

"Cool!!" Aisha replied smugly, releasing his jewels and wiping her hand on the front of his shirt. Then she turned and strode confidently out of the office, heading down the hall where, as soon as she was out of ear-shot, she flipped open her cell phone and punched her speed dial.

"Charlize, honey; I'll be there in ten minutes. I wanna see steam coming off of that speed bag when I get there...understand?" Aisha was obviously satisfied by her response for she grinned as she placed the phone carefully back into her purse.

"Burke's 'Desperate Housewife' won't know the meaning of desperate 'til she's had three minutes in the ring with my 'Monster'!" Aisha snickered. "Live TV!" she chuckled. "It's the friggin' BOMB!"
********
Meanwhile, across town, Brooke Burke was putting Teri Hatcher threw a grueling training routine. Glistening with sweat; her brown eyes blazing with intensity; Hatcher looked and acted ten years younger! It was time to settle accounts with the big blonde who had risen to fame even as Teri's career tumbled into freefall. Not until her being 'reborn' with a smash hit TV series boosting her confidence, was Hatcher once again a woman possessed - and eager for revenge!

"Ready to shove that Oscar up that blond cunt's ass?" Brooke Burke teased her fighter.

"Deep, straight and hard!" Teri replied through clenched teeth. "Deep, straight AND HARD!!"

It was 72 hours to show time as Aisha Tyler watched her big, chiseled blonde nimbly cut off the ring as she blasted away mercilessly at another poor sparring partner, she dialed her arch nemesis on her ever-present cell.

"Yo Burke!" Aisha barked into the phone. "Remember me? Well, honey, lemme be the first to tell ya, I took the job as Charlize's trainer! My fighter's lookin' awfully damn good jus' 'bout now! Don't worry, bitch; she's gonna be sure you have a second episode."

Brooke's face reddened with anger as she began to understand the blunder she'd made. Her contract with Theron had left the choice of manager and trainer entirely to the fighter. Fine print, as they say, is a bitch and Brooke swallowed hard as she recognized Aisha was destined to be a very unpleasant fact of her life. Suddenly "Life Isn't so Great" seemed more like it!!
********
At the headquarters of the E! Channel, things were proceeding at a lightning pace. 'Bob', the suddenly-excited executive in charge, demanded a copy of the promotional budget. "TRIPLE IT!" he barked to an intimidated underling. "NOW!!"

Bob and Brooke Burke huddled to finalize the details of the format. Charlize's ten round gauntlet would run as two one-hour shows on consecutive nights with five rounds each night. The format would allow for in-depth interviews, ringside celebrity comments, etc. The fight itself would be of ten three minute rounds, with a rest period of two, rather than the traditional one minute between rounds. This change was designed to not only give Charlize a bit more of a fighting chance, but even more important, it allowed more time for elaborate fanfare as each new challenger was introduced and approached the ring - and of course they could fit in twice the advertising!

The identity of the first challenger, Teri Hatcher, was made public ASAP, and heavily exploited in the promotional campaign owing to Teri's 'hot ticket' status as a result of "Desperate Housewives" and her notorious past link with Charlize because of their wild "2 Days in the Valley" clawfest years before.

The identities of challengers 2-10 was a secret that only Bob and Brooke shared. Even the women selected didn't know the identity of the others as they all were training separately. Each knew only two things - the round they were scheduled to appear and what their job was (i.e., which part of Charlize's anatomy they were to target!) The E! website fueled speculation and millions of rabid fans posted suggestions for Charlize's opponents ranging from Sen. Hillary Clinton and Teresa Heinz Kerry to pornstars like Sunny McKay and Tera Patrick!

Finally, the night of nights arrived and a sell out crowd settled into the Staples Center. Dressed in a dazzling low-cut evening gown that appeared to be painted onto her body, celebrity ring announcer Traci Bingham raised the microphone to her lips and purred, "Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms. Brooke Burke extends to you a warm welcome from the whole staff at 'Life is Great' I'm pleased to introduce in the blue corner, standing 5'11" and weighing 135 pounds, the South African mauler, the blonde bombshell, that Oscar winning thespian, CHARLIZE "MONSTER" THERON....THERON!"

Wild, enthusiastic applause greeted the leggy blonde who was dressed in a cream string bikini that showed her magnificent body in all it's golden tanned glory as she raised her gloved hands and acknowledged the crowd.

"And her opponent....now entering the arena....standing 5'7" and weighing 123 pounds.... you loved her before as Lois Lane, you love her now as Susan Meyer ....she's romanced 007, now let's watch her kick a little perfect '10' ass....without further adieu, MS. TERI HATCHER!"

Teri entered the ring, smiling broadly, dancing in place wearing dark green boxing trunks and a hot pink bikini top which revealed a pair of rock hard nipples beneath the spandex. Teri's brunette hair was drawn back into a severe ponytail, and her face showed evidence of a lengthy stay in the cosmetician's chair. But even the most competent makeup genius could disguise the fact that Teri was 40, and her rival a mere 29. Charlize owned both a considerable size and age advantage, and most astute observers saw through Teri's pre-fight bravado, as just so much masking of fear.

Charlize's green eyes glowed with intensity as she accepted a good luck pat on the ass from Aisha Tyler and made her way toward ring center. As the fighters stared each other down, celebrity referee Leah Remini read them the rules of the ring. The fighters parted, assumed their positions and awaited the bell.
******
ROUND ONE: TERI HATCHER

DING! DING! DING!

Charlize's strategy differed fundamentally from that of any rival she would be facing. Quite simply, she saw the fight as a 30 minute marathon, while each of the others was committed to only a three minute sprint. Needless to say, the customary circling and feeling out process that would normally define a Round One was abandoned from the start when Hatcher approaching aggressively like a banshee and unloaded her first punch of the bout, a short right destined for the chin that Charlize easily blocked.

Charlize back-pedaled skillfully and gave Teri ample opportunity to flail away, which is what she did! Punch after ineffective punch either bounced off Theron's perfectly positioned gloves, or simply stirred up a breeze. Feeling totally outclassed, Teri halted her attack, paused and turned her wild eyes toward her mentor, Brooke Burke who signaled her intention by cupping her own surgically enhanced breasts in her palms.

"Oh yeah!" Teri reminded herself. "It's TITS you idiot...not chin!"

Charlize kept Teri at bay with a well-schooled stiff left jab until the clock had wound down to 1:20 when Teri suddenly stepped into Theron's wheelhouse and landed a nasty straight left right into the big blonde's left boob. Charlize winced, and took a step backward, only to have Teri flatten her right boob with a wicked left hook that she snuck under her elbow. The reenergized crowd began to chatter as the desperate housewife's fists shredded Theron's defense.

But Teri's moment of glory was to be short-lived! Charlize finally understood Teri's plan and she provided Hatcher with an oh-so-tempting target as she completely abandoned any notion of breast defense. Sure enough, Teri loaded up for a nasty uppercut to the left boob, which was when Charlize countered with a picture perfect left hook to the jaw! Teri's thin thighs immediately quivered as if the long awaited San Andreas earthquake had suddenly arrived. Theron followed up with stunning right cross that caught Hatcher square on the left ear and, with all the grace of a newborn colt, Teri stumble-staggered backward into Theron's corner.

"Now, get YOU some titty!" Aisha Tyler shouted to Charlize smiled and nodded in assent.

The final 30 seconds of the round consisted of a fever pitch speed bag session, with Teri's "real and spectacular" boobs starring in the role of 'speed bag' and taking a terrible beating. Her bikini top quickly surrendered as Charlize's criss-cross punches snapped both slender shoulder straps. Teri's puppies flopped out unrestrained, only to be smacked about mercilessly. Then seconds before the bell, Teri shrieked at the top of her lungs, "HELLLLLLLLLLP!!!"

Charlize completed the breast mauling with a single nasty, chin quaking uppercut that sent Teri's big brown eyes rolling back in her head. Stepping back stylishly, Charlize created space for Teri's limp body to collapse to her knees, then topple forward. The brunette came to rest face down on the canvas, badly in need of smelling salts.

"Not bad, eh?" Charlize smiled, giving Aisha Tyler a good-natured pat on the cheek.

"Trust me; the only reason they put that forty-something candy-ass out there was for the ratings. From here on in, they're gonna throw some serious shit at you!" Aisha warned sternly. "So wipe that silly ass grin off your face, Blondie...we got work to do."

Two of Brooke Burke's minions, Playmates Stephanie Glasson and Aliya Wolf scurried into the ring to drag the groggy Hatcher from the ring between them with her limp arms draped over their shoulders.
******

ROUND TWO: VIVICA A. FOX

As soon as they were gone, Traci Bingham bellowed out the next introduction; "Folks, you loved her in 'Independence Day', you saw her strut her stuff in 'Kill Bill'....some call her 'The Cobra'....me?....I call her VIVICA A. FOX!

To the strains of Jimi Hendrix' 'Foxy Lady' the very fit and highly motivated Ms. Fox made a dramatic entry into the ring, staring over at Charlize with angrily arched eyebrows and startling white teeth clenched in determination.

"The body!" Brooke Burke, said sternly, staring Vivica in the eye.

"You know it!" Fox spat back, turning her head to cast a hostile glance toward Theron, who was shadowboxing in place, ignoring the dusky beauty's smoldering stare. "I will hurt this bitch!" she assured her smirking ring manager.

Meanwhile, Aisha was facing a common problem...getting her fighter to focus on the potential for a train wreck ahead, not the cakewalk behind. She rightly suspected Brooke offering up a cupcake like Teri Hatcher in Round One was a clever ploy to set Charlize up for a fall. But words can only do so much, and Charlize put in her mouthguard with a happy disposition and a carefree spirit.

DING! DING! DING!

Five seconds after the bell had rung, things changed! Vivica's rocket-propelled right hand dug a crater deep into Theron's navel and as her eyes bulged out and the breath involuntarily escaped from her mouth, Vivica whispered sullenly, "You the one that 'bout to get desperate, 'cause I ain't no damn houseWIFE!"

A solid left hook to the belly accompanying the last syllable made Charlize grunt and she instinctively backed away to re-group - just in time; as a sizzling right cross just grazed her chin as she leaned back. Had the punch landed cleanly, she knew she'd have been flat on her back watching cuckoos circling over her. Charlize managed to keep Fox at bay with her crisp, well-executed jabs until she caught her breath. She was four inches taller than Vivica, with a longer reach and all she had to do was to keep the action at arms length to deny the raging bull gaining inside position.

Sounds good on paper....but Vivica completely disrespected Charlize's punching power and was willing to take her shots in order to land her own - when and where she chose! Her default setting was 'straight ahead' and there's only so much running a woman can do in the squared circle. One minute had passed but now a toe to toe confrontation was no longer avoidable so Charlize planted her feet, loaded up and uncorked a short right to the ribs that surprised Vivica - and earned the blonde a smidgen of respect.

But there was no stopping Fox's quick, savage fists from ravaging Charlize's mid-section as she ignored Theron's head and went postal on the big blonde's abdomen while Charlize declared open season on Vivica's unprotected face! A furious war of attrition commenced at ring center, bringing a hooting, appreciative crowd to its feet. Aisha fretted about the energy her fighter was being forced to expend, unable to pace herself against opponents who had only to fight one round apiece - but there was no alternative.

Vivica's eyes quickly grew puffy and began to swell from the steady diet of stinging head shots, yet her fists continued pounding Theron's belly as if on autopilot until the fair skin of the blondes mid-section was glowing like Rudolph's nose. As Vivica continued her pitbull-like rampage, Charlize's expressive green eyes alternated between determination and desperation, as she fought fire with fire; rearranging Vivica's face even as she winced from every body blow.

With twenty seconds left in the round, the savage, evenly fought, battle turned Vivica's way as Charlize absorbed a monstrous short right to the ribs that sent her reeling sideways into the ropes. Although the clock ticked rapidly toward zero, Charlize felt time was standing still as the relentless Fox blasted away at her belly at will from point blank range.

Mercifully, the bell sounded and Fox's attack ceased. Two badly damaged combatants stared each other in the eye, then instinctively embraced; each acknowledging the other's warrior spirit. It was clear to all who witnessed it, including the three judges, that this astonishing three minutes belonged to Vivica Fox - albeit at considerable cost!

"Your husband's a plastic surgeon, right, bitch?" Vivica asked Brooke loudly as she climbed out through the ropes.

"Uh, yeah," Brooke replied nervously, not comfortable with the wild look from deep inside Vivica's puffed up eyes.

"Well, get his ass on the phone and get me an appointment for Monday. That is, if you're interesting in being alive on Tuesday...."

"Understood!" Brooke responded quickly - and sheepishly.

Meanwhile, time marches on! Annoying Traci Bingham took the ring microphone once again to announce the next round's opponent.
******

ROUND THREE: SUMMER ALTICE

"Ladies and Gentlemen, she's graced the pages of Playboy, Maxim and GQ; she dominates volleyball courts of Southern California where she's earned the nickname 'Spitfire' for her fiery play. Her Hollywood career is taking off like a rocket. Watch for her in major motion pictures throughout 2005. You may not know her now, but once she's had her three minutes in the ring with Charlize, you'll never - ever - forget her! Without, further adieu....the sizzling, sensational, spitfire of the hour....Ms. Summer Altice....ALTICE!"

"Who the hell is Summer Altice?" Charlize asked Aisha; clearly unfamiliar with Summer's sparse Hollywood resume.

"Two things!" Aisha spat back, obviously annoyed by this third match-up. "One, she's the best athlete in this building (she pointed her finger at Kobe Bryant, sitting ringside to emphasize her point); and second, this is the biggest three minutes of her life. This cunt has everything to gain and nothing to lose. You best be bringin' your 'A-game' or you'll spend the next three minutes on your ass. I know what I'm talking about!"

Aisha's voice was indeed the voice of experience for she'd personally tangled with Summer Altice in a Beverly Hills bar just two weeks before. Summer's efforts to horn in on Aisha's man had led to harsh words, threats and finally fisticuffs. And Aisha had suffered a humiliating, one-sided ass-whooping before she was forced to watch through teary eyes as her date left arm in arm with Altice; the hussy's hand firmly gripping his butt cheek as they departed to celebrate her triumph!

Charlize was unaware of much of the fanfare accompanying starlet/playmate Summer Altice's rather flamboyant entrance into the arena being far more focused on the dull throbbing pain radiating outward from the area between her navel and her breasts. She had been absolutely blasted by Vivica's concrete hard fists and as she bent over with her hands on her knees, she reflected on how little time five minutes was! A mere five minutes earlier she'd been chuckling confidently, basking in the glow of thorough thrashing poor outclassed Teri Hatcher. Now, she felt like she'd been run over by a truck.

While Charlize suffered in silence, her next opponent arrived in impressive fashion; her sleek 5'10" frame adorned - if barely - with a very skimpy brown alligator-skin thong bikini, lace-up gladiator boots with straps to just below the knees and a flowing red head band tied around her forehead.

Charlize's first two opponents had been smaller women, both 40 years old, but Summer was four years younger than Theron; equally tall and with a longer reach! Her athletic pedigree including an impressive collegiate volleyball career, showed in a feline figure which showed not an ounce of unnecessary fat. She was, indisputably, an awe-inspiring physical specimen to be admired - and feared.

The crowd was split into two camps; those who had prior knowledge of Summer and were salivating at the promise of her slugging it out with Charlize, and those seeing her for the first time, and dealing with the sensation of a rapidly beating heart and a sexual arousal upon first impression. Before them stood a goddess...that much was undeniable! Summer smiled cockily as she noted Charlize's obvious lack of 'freshness' before she turned to get her instructions from Brooke Burke.

The smirking TV hostess put her hands on Summer's shoulders as she gazed deep into her fighter's eyes and gave very clear, simple instructions, "Bring me the head of Charlize Theron!" Her voice brought chills to the ringsiders who sat close enough to eavesdrop on their conversation and the visible glint in Summer's eyes indicated that she was enthusiastically committed to fulfilling Burke's request.

DING! DING! DING!

The bell rang and the graceful rangy Summer established herself at center ring long before Charlize had hobbled forward. She wasted no time in demonstrating her agility of either hands and feet that would force Theron to bring her best just to simply survive! After circling Charlize, Summer unloaded a howitzer of a left hook that landed on the blonde's jaw. Theron anticipated the follow-up right cross and skillfully blocked it - only to have Summer sneak in a nasty straight left to the ribs before dancing away grinning in delight. Charlize was simply not going to be able to withstand a continued barrage to her body, but somewhat fortunately for her, Burke's "Altice strategy" was definitely more head hunting. As Summer circled with a grace that suggested hours of preparation, she stung Charlize with a steady diet of nose-flattening left jabs.

"That's it, Summer!" Brooke shouted gleefully. "Target practice. She's your own private blonde bobble-head doll."

Brooke was just being honest for Summer was having her way with Charlize in a decidedly one-sided exchange. Summer moved like a malevolent ballerina around a rival whose feet seemed to be wearing cement shoes. Soon, blood began to flow from Charlize's nose and after several more jabs, it also started to dribble from the corner of her mouth.

Every so often, a Theron counter would reach Summer's body, but none with enough impact or frequency to stem the slaughter. After only one minute of pummeling, Summer pressed forward, easily pinning Charlize on the ropes where the belabored blonde cupped her gloves in front of her face, knowing Summer's focus was exclusively there.

WRONG! An evil smile crossing her lips, Summer delivered a short, straight, hard right hook to Charlize's unprotected navel. The blonde's weary body spasmed as she doubled over, her head resting on the dominant brunette's shoulder left shoulder which gave Summer the chance to fulfill her urge to trash talk.

"Give back the Oscar, you loser!" she taunted. "You're nobody. Hear me? Nobody...."

The words stung Charlize even more painfully than the blows Summer had delivered with her fists. From deep within that special reserve of toughness that only a very few true 'stars' possess, it bubbled to Charlize's surface. She may have been running on empty physically, but in an elite few women, boundless pride can call forth the impossible!

As Summer leaned in to finish her work and send the crowd home early (thereby immediately earning herself a place on the Hollywood 'A' list), she was surprised to feel a rock hard fist blast into her abdomen. Before she could react, a savage uppercut came out of nowhere, shooting her chin up and snapping her head back violently; forcing her to stutter-step back in retreat.

The scowl on Charlize's battered face was familiar to anyone who saw her Oscar winning portrayal in 'Monster'! Her face was literally ablaze with passionate; furious anger; and her fists were doing all the talking. The formerly dominant Summer was suddenly in the wrong place at the wrong time after having said the wrong thing to the wrong woman!

Homer, the blind Greek poet, told the story of Achilles, a perfectly chiseled, invincible warrior cursed with but one physical flaw....a vulnerable heel! As seconds ticked away and Round Three neared its end, Charlize exposed Summer's Achilles Heel - alas, Altice's seemingly physically perfect body was undermined by Summer's chin which proved to be crafted from the finest pure crystal! Charlize managed, through her pain, to uncork a monumental right cross that shattered Summer's 'china chin' into a thousand shards!

Right in front of the startled Brooke Burke, Theron dropped Altice flat on her back - out cold. Then she turned with a big, painful smile on her bruised and bloody face and pumped both fists in the air as she made tearful eye contact with Aisha Tyler in her corner. Charlize had earned two minutes of rest, by God, but before she left she had to make one comment over the prostrate body of the brunette.

"I've got an Oscar you 'B movie bimbo', and I friggin' EARNED it..." Charlize bellowed, planting her left foot on Summer's 'mound of Venus' as she posed while ringside photographers went wild. There would be no mistaking who was the better woman!

The Staples Center erupted in bedlam at the shockingly courageous reversal of fortune and the national TV audience responded likewise. As the E! Network went to commercial break, millions of phone calls were made, and millions of remotes were grabbed to suddenly change channels to E!

Bedlam reigned in the ring as Aisha Tyler's personal bitterness toward defeated Summer Altice demanded that she have a 'word' with the battered Playmate. "You know what they say, bitch....Summer's over, then comes the Fall. And you have sho 'nuff taken a fall, bimbo. Charlize just straightened out your 'straight to video' ass and you got a one way ticket back to oblivion. And, by the way, Honey, you and me is faaaaaaar from over....understand??" Aisha taunted, yanking Altice's head off the canvas with a fistful of the brunette's sweaty hair.

"Get you fat ass outta the ring, Tyler!" an obviously irate Brooke Burke demanded.

"Just one last thing, Altice," Aisha hissed as she prepared to exit the ring. "I suggest you go negotiate a discounted rate from Brookie's plastic surgeon hubby - and for God's sake woman, BUY YO'SELF SOME TITTIES! Looks like the Good Lord figured you were a boy. Now get the fuck out of this ring, and let somebody with a real resume mix it up with my Charlize."

A swift kick to the butt sent poor Summer rolling out under the bottom rope and crashing to the floor at the feet of Hugh Hefner and his latest blonde bimbo escort squad.

"Hey, isn't that Sum...?" Tina Jordan started to ask.

"Never seen that woman in my life," Hef interrupted with a dismissive wave of the hand.

Meanwhile, in Brooke Burke's locker room, Tia Carrere bounced on the balls of her feet, impatient as her gloves were being laced up. Her heart beat with anticipation as she waited to hear Traci Bingham announce her. The fourth - and in Tia's mind the final - round would be all hers!
******

ROUND FOUR: TIA CARRERE

Summer finally stood up onto her long, wobbly legs and began the lonely walk back to nowhere's-ville. On her way from the ring, Altice was rudely brushed aside by the khaki and camouflage clad Tia Carrere, whose face carried evidence of a steely determination and a very bad mood.

"You loved her in 'Wayne's World' and you hated her in 'True Lies'....she's hunting up the strength to turn Charlize into a relic, she's the hurricane from Honolulu....ladies and gentleman.....Tia Carrere!" Traci Bingham shouted triumphantly. She then turned toward the focused, sullen face of Charlize Theron, who was watching her rival's every move with concern...."Hey Charlize, how about a nice Hawaiian punch?" Bingham chortled, inspiring a whistling, stomping standing ovation from Hawaii's own Kelly Hu, who shouted encouragement to the shadowboxing Tia.

Brooke Burke took her nearly hyperventilating boxer aside and attempted to instruct her. "Now, Tia…" she began, only to be rudely silenced.

"Shut up, Dumbass!" Tia snapped. "Just ring the bell, then get the Hell outta my way. If you want to do something useful, call for an ambulance, 'cause that blonde bitch is heading straight for the IR when I get through with her."

Brooke couldn't help but forgive Carrere's insolence. Tia looked like a woman on a mission which was to come to emotional terms with the train wreck her career had become. After some promising years in the early 90s, Tia had managed to piss away her promising career with a series of bad choices, beginning with the notorious "Kull the Conqueror" while her blonde opponent had moved rapidly from obscurity in Tia's heyday, to a position of being able to turn her nose up at "mere" eight figure guarantees. The way Tia saw things, she had three minutes to resolve a decade's worth of disappointment, injustice and resentment, and putting Theron's ass on the canvas while the referee counted to ten would be as sweet a dish of revenge as she could devour.

Charlize's facial expression was all business. She'd heard reports of Carrere's acid-tongued gossip about her for years and there were few members of the actress' sorority she respected less than the talent-challenged Carrere.

Both women felt like they had dynamite charges in their gloves, and when the bell rang, they raced to the center of the ring, ready to thrown down. Carrere, of course, was the fresher fighter and she dazzled Theron for the first twenty seconds with an array of lighting quick, laser accurate jabs. But Charlize withstood the barrage well, and with her senses and instincts enlivened by a particularly nasty straight jab to the nose, she fashioned an eloquent fistic reply to the Hawaiian's impressive opening salvo.

A very satisfying 'OOOOOF' reached her ears from Tia's wide open mouth after a particularly effective belly punch. A 'gotcha, bitch' smile crossed Theron's face, soon to be erased by the best punch of the round, a stinging right cross that landed like hot lead on Charlize's cheekbone.

The silence of the crowd reflected their absorption in a true woman to woman, ego-crusher slugfest. That there could not be two winners was certain, but the possibility of two losers, consumed wholly by the Phyrrhic struggle, loomed as a very distinct possibility.

At the 90 second mark, furiously flying boxing gloves moved faster than the untrained eye could follow. But three mesmerized judges were taking in every blow and doing the calculations necessary to render a fair verdict.

As the second minute ticked away, Tia cast her lot with a 'take it to the body' strategy and began to focus sledgehammer like punches on the midsection that Vivica Fox had worked so savagely several minutes earlier. Charlize, as in Round Two, placed her chips on a headhunting strategy, and kept Carrere's ponytail constantly in sway as fist after fist found it's way onto to Tia's reddening face.

Retreat was unthinkable as both fighters dug their heels in and wailed away with every ounce of energy they could muster. The viciousness of Carrere's face as the final thirty seconds arrived sent a chill down Aisha Tyler's back. But her champion was indeed standing in like a champion, although her ribcage felt ready to collapse.

As the ten second mark arrived, Tia dug even deeper, and brought a sweeping left hook from downtown, aiming straight for Charlize's jaw. The blonde ducked under the savage blow at the last possible moment, planted her feet squarely and countered with a savage ascending blow that ravaged Tia's solar plexus. For the first time in three minutes, the Hawaiian hellcat fell back into the ropes. Charlize waded in with another belly buster as the bell signaled the end.

An exhausted Charlize, running strictly on adrenaline fumes, reached out to congratulate Tia on a classy, if brutal, performance. Carrere angrily rejected the blonde's sportsmanlike gesture, preferring to stew in her own anger at having not put Charlize on her back. Even the judges verdict, a well reasoned decision of DRAW was no consolation for the sweat drenched Asian warrior, who had demanded much more of herself and the occasion. Tia's glance toward Brooke Burke assured that the intimidated bikini model would have no words of wisdom to share. Stewing in her own Hellish anger, Tia Carrere left the ring alone, unfulfilled while Aisha Tyler toweled off her sweaty, slumping fighter.

"Great job, Theron. That bitch was out for blood. You took her best," Aisha said, encouragingly.

"What next?" Charlize asked weakly, clearly dreading the end of the all-too-brief 120 second respite between opponents.

"Who the Hell knows?" Aisha responded weakly.

Meanwhile, the giggles emanating from the huddle between Traci Bingham and Brooke Burke were not exactly encouraging. Finally, Traci grabbed the microphone, after making sure that her unbuttoned blouse flaunted her mammoth cleavage to the maximum allowed by the FCC as she bent over to improve the view for a group of ringside VIPs, including the highly visible Jack Fac, dressed in an outfit that can only be described as 'early Pimp'.

"Like watcha see, Jack-o?" Traci teased. "Well, you'll realllllly like what's coming up next then."
******

ROUND FIVE: TERA PATRICK

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Traci shouted. "She hails from Great Falls, Montana, and she assured me that our Ms. Theron will experience a 'great fall' tonight when she faces this next fighter. Words fail to properly express the electrifying qualities of this awesome beauty. Perhaps numbers and letters express it best...36...DD!! Without further ado, please welcome a Penthouse Pet and THE Crown Princess of Porn, the incomparable, mouth-watering TERA PATRICK."

"Who?" Charlize asked, scrunching her nose in confusion.

"WHO?" Aisha snorted in disgust. "Girlfriend, a better question is WHAT?"

Aisha knew Brooke Burke was capable of scraping the bottom of the barrel, but it was nonetheless still surprising to watch it happening as, to a chorus of wolf whistles and catcalls, Tera Patrick began her seductive catwalk to ringside in a full length fur stole covering a barely there black, jet black thong bikini. Her 36DDs swung side to side as Jerry Falwell - watching in the privacy of his den at home - reached for his remote and turned off the picture, kneeling in fear of imminent Hellfire well deserved.

And Charlize was NOT amused by the prospect of spending the next three minutes fighting some prancing porn queen. The entire event was a big time career risk, and the last thing an "A" list serious actresses needed on her resume was a butt kicking at the hands of a XXX rated slut. Her eyes glared with indignation as she watched Tera work the crowd - and work them Tera did! Very little of the testosterone in the capacity crowd was still room temperature after Ms. Patrick had strutted her incomparable 'stuff'. The network sensors activated the pixelating lenses just in the nick of time, as the gyrating smut queen removed her flimsy top and cupped her abundant assets to a chorus of appreciative catcalls.

"Watcha see, Char?" Aisha Tyler asked, her eyes glued on the spectacular body of the evening's final opponent.

"I see the maximum legally allowable silicon and mascara for one whore. What a nasty skank!" Charlize sneered.

"Well, I'm gonna tell ya what I see," Aisha replied slowly. "Trouble! You know as well as I do these 'adult video' tramps throw down at the drop of a hat and I KNOW this slut's been in at least a dozen no-hold's-barred catspats in the last year. Trust me, her only rule is 'no rules'. She's Burke's bear trap, blondie; so be verrrry careful not to get caught...."

The bell rang and as Charlize made her way to ring center she found Tera already there and doing a rather authentic Ali Shuffle, moving about skillfully on her toes. Tyler was right - this was no green amateur! Nonetheless, Theron had benefited from her two minute rest and her punches showed a crispness not seen since her slaughter of Summer Altice. But Tera was far too elusive to be hurt by what were proving mostly glancing blows. Patrick's attack, such as it was, consisted of mostly indifferent jabs that were just effective enough to keep Charlize at bay, but which did no damage. Tera's strategy, truth be known, was to showcase her bouncing boobs - and more than twenty thousand eyes throughout the arena were glued to her swaying nipples as she circled Theron craftily.

After more than a minute of lethargic action, Charlize took a bold step forward and drilled Tera's navel with a short, firm right. Patrick countered with a flicking left jab, stepped back and dancing lithely away, inviting Theron to pursue. The determined Charlize pressed forward, hoping to trap the Porn Princess against the ropes but she was so intent on cornering Tera that she never saw what happened next!

A dramatic change came over Patrick's face as what had seemed like a Sunday afternoon walk in the park changed in a heartbeat! With the skill of a surgeon and the cold heart of an assassin, Patrick found Charlize's incoming chin with a howitzer shot right hand and, like a deer struck by a rifle shot, Theron's long legs went wobbly, then she slowly collapsed to the mat, her face contorted in pain.

Tera stood over her laughing, cupping her breasts and shaking them in delight as Charlize rolled over on her hip and struggled to find her bearings. Leah Remini pointed Patrick to a neutral corner, then began to count. Charlize grabbed the middle rope to steady herself, laboriously pulling herself to her feet just at the count of seven. Leah checked her out, pronounced her 'good to go' and invited Patrick back out of the corner. The grinning brunette slut moved forward confidently and swung wildly, launching a vicious left hook that whistled just over Theron's ducking head, ruffling her tousled hair in the process!

From her crouch, Charlize straightened her legs and drove a nasty right hook to Tera's left ribs in reply, then as she rose full upright, unleashed a snapping left-right combination that caught a surprised Tara on the chin. But Charlize was still wobbly and her punches didn't generate the kind of force needed to knock Patrick down and Tera danced away before Theron could capitalize. Again, the adult starlet shuffled right to left, scoring points with the judges as she slowly reddened Theron's complexion. Charlize's ears were treated to a stream of insulting trash talk along with the occasional stinging left.

Meanwhile, up in the E! Network skybox, Bob the Producer was running and re-running the footage of the knockdown - the lascivious grin on Tera's face, her disrespectin' breast gesture, and Charlize's shocked and anguished expression as she looked up at the brunette's leering face. Man, did he have the footage he needed to hype the final five rounds to be broadcast tomorrow night.

PORN STAR PUNKS GLAMOUR GAL! Shit, the headline practically wrote itself!

Down at ringside, Brooke Burke was absolutely salivating with delight and wishing desperately she had a third hand - for patting herself on the back!

In Charlize's brain, her emotions won their war with her intellect and like a rabid hyena, she decided to make the last minute of Tera's evening an all-out push. She had come to truly despise the smirking, back-pedaling, profanity-spewing porn star, and wanted passionately to park her tormentor's shapely ass on the canvas for an equalizer. Marching forward with a Joe Frazier like intensity, she drove her fists like pistons into Tera's suddenly exposed mid-section. A smile appeared on her thins lips as Patrick began to grunt, then groan from the thumping impacts. Taking a bold step forward, Charlize found an open path to Tera's chin and connected with a thunderous uppercut.

But Tera's chin wasn't made of Altice-like cheap crystal; instead Tera's jaw was solid granite! Patrick was thrown back into the ropes by the impact, but as the crowd rose to it's feet in anticipation of another Theron miracle finish, something utterly unexpected happened…the smart-ass smirk on Tera's face gave way to clenched teeth and squinting, smoldering eyes then Tera unleashed a right cross of extraordinary power that blasted into Charlize's cheekbone just below the left eye.

For the second time in the round, Theron was dropped on her ass like she'd been shot as the cold, unforgiving canvas came up and SPANKED her celebrity ass! There were still 15 long seconds remaining in Round Five, there would be no 'saved by the bell' for Charlize! For five seconds, Charlize lay stretched out on her back; her only movement the involuntary twitching of her thigh muscles.

"GET UP!" Aisha Tyler demanded, more in desperation than authority.

The next four seconds seemed like an eternity to the gathered crowd, but to their delight - and Brooke Burke's red-faced disgust - Charlize's summoned the class to rise and stand tall; wobbly to be sure, but tall and before Tera could unleash another battering barrage, the bell rang saving Charlize from additional harm - and sparing her further humiliation!

Denied a career-boosting knockout, Tera Patrick nonetheless left the ring not only a clear victor but a legend in the making for the women at the Porn Star Fight Club. For the next 24 hours, Tera Patrick would be THE most discussed name around office water coolers and THE most 'Googled' name in history for a single day. Her e-Bay listing of memorabilia quadrupled in value overnight and in Great Falls, Montana the city fathers met in emergency session to rename main street and plan a gala 'Tera Patrick Day' event.

Aisha Tyler sat her gallant-but-disheveled fighter down and silently toweled off her bloody face. The first five rounds had been an unexpectedly brutal gauntlet and Aisha, knowing Burke's next five would be even more skilled, more determined and more powerful than her first five made her seriously consider throwing in the towel. But her impish, 'ballsy' side quickly came up with another plan of action. It was time to take the pressure off her fighter and take on some of her own.

"Yo Burke!" Aisha called out to the cool-as-a-cucumber hostess. "After Charlize wins tomorrow, what say you and I go a round ourselves? Woman to woman! If I win, you resign from the show and give the hostess job to me!?"

"Great!" Brooke responded dismissively. Then countered, "And when she loses, I get to whip your bare Black ass with a cat-o-nine tails while you suck my husband's cock in the center of the ring, wearing a dog collar!" she chuckled.

"Sister; you got yourself a deal!" Aisha snapped back before Brooke could stop grinning; showing a cockiness and bravado that wiped the smirk right off Burke's face.

The arena lights dimmed and all participants headed home. Tyler and Theron had less than 24 hours to right the ship or watch it sink ignominiously. While all Charlize could think about was how good a hot shower and a down pillow was going to feel, Aisha Tyler sat silent and pensive for the entire trip home. There were no words that could be half as therapeutic as the dark, silent, night and the lights of LA twinkling benevolently on the limo's curvy path up the canyon toward home and bed.