Cat is also dressed out in 'hooker chic' with a snakeskin jacket, sturdy black bra and a matching short, tight skirt that barely reaches the top of her thick thighs. She's also chosen, or been assigned by Stern, thigh-hi's and a pair of strappy heels. Mina is talking intently to Cat who looks about as angry as the audience has yet seen her. She's clearly not over the "illegal" draw in an oil wrestling match she obviously believes she won. A win which, incidentally, would have been the deciding victory for her and the charity she's here representing, the NBAAAUA.
****
ALLEY STREET FIGHT by Kim and Ginny

This fight takes place on the movie studio's big city back alley set. The alley is about 6' wide and nearly 30' long with brick and block walls on both sides and is strewn with prop trash. There's a half dozen metal garbage cans, two of those big green trash dumpsters with a metal lid that trucks hoist up and 'dump' into their trash compartment. There's the usual stray garbage, rags and 'alley' debris like pieces of wood, metal pipes, storage pallets and it's littered with loose paper for a 'trashy' effect.

Stern explains the rules to the audience as the women take their positions, "Cat and Charlize start at opposite ends of the alley. Midway in the alley is a fire escape. Ten feet up the ladder we've hung a leather belt with a big brass 'Howard Stern Show' logo buckle. To win the alley fight, one women must first retrieve the belt, then leave the alley at the opposite end from their start. That's all. No rules other than the usual one about deliberately maiming or disfiguring. Anything else goes!"

With Gerda and Mina watching from windows on the second floor of opposite sides of the alley set, the referee for this event, Jenny McCarthy, waved to each contestant and asks if they're ready. When they both indicated they were, she dropped her hand and blew a whistle.

Charlize began to run toward the fire escape while Cat just jogged, apparently content to let Charlize to do the climbing to retrieve the belt, then take it away from her after she climbed down. But Charlize ran past the fire escape to attack Cat on her side of the midpoint. Charlize leaped and nailed a surprise dropkick to the chest that knocked Cat onto her back and skidding on her butt across the hard cement. Charlize raised her foot to stomp Cat's stomach but the brunette caught her foot and twisted it, dropping Charlize beside her on the ground.

Charlize landed on her butt and yelped in pain as her firm little breasts bounced up and down; an audible reminder to both women of how sensitive they had become after the breast beating Cat had been giving her all evening. Cat swung her legs around and drove a heel down onto Charlize' pussy, still tender from Cat's brutal 'Caspian Crotch Claw' that wrung a triple submission from her in the lingerie strip match. Cat rolled over and got to her knees while Charlize writhed on the pavement, whimpering and holding herself as she rocked side to side in pain.

Cat kicked Charlize in the ribs to straighten her out, then leaned over and, almost disdainfully, pulled her to her feet by an arm and her hair. Before Charlize can strike back, Cat swings her around and throws her against the brick wall. Charlize hits flush on her back and her head bounces off the wall. Charlize takes two steps toward Cat, raises her right hand to grab her...then pitches forward onto her chest and stomach, her feet kicking up in the air before her legs drop back.

Cat kicked Charlize in the side again, forcing a grunt from the quivering lips of the dazed blonde. Again, Cat pulls Charlize up and swings her around. But this time Charlize reverses and it's Cat Bell who goes sailing toward the wall. Cat jumps, puts her right foot high up on the wall and propels herself off of the wall, turning her body in midair as she soars right back at Charlize with her body positioned for a cross body takedown.

Charlize drops flat on her back at the last second and Cat sails over her, crashing to the cement on her left side. She rolls over several times and springs to her feet nimbly, but clutching her left elbow as the arm dangles limp at her side. Charlize gets up and rushes Cat before she regains use of her numbed arm. Raising her fists, Charlize jabs Cat in the face standing her up, then follows with a hard right to the stomach that buckles Cat's long, strong legs.

Cat staggers backward, her left harm useless at her side, jabbing at Charlize with her right fist to keep her at bay. Charlize grabs Cat's right wrist and holds her arm aside as she punches her twice in the head, the first a glancing blow but the second lands flush on the brunette's jaw and drops her on her butt at the base of the wall. Cat's head lolls on her shoulders then she slumps over on her side with her legs stretched out in front of her.

Charlize looks down at her nemesis, shakes her hand and then turns around and looks up at the belt. She walks across the alley, jumps up to grab the bottom rung of the fire escape ladder and pulls it down. As she climbs upward, she looks back over her shoulder to check on Bell, still 'cat napping' sprawled at the base of the wall. Charlize fumbles with the belt momentarily before she can release it from the fire escape, then tosses it over her shoulder and starts back down the ladder.

The blondes feet are only a few rungs from the bottom of the ladder when she hears her mother, Gerda, scream a warning. She looks back over her shoulder and her heart sinks as she realizes Cat isn't where she left her. Just then, Charlize sees stars and a shock of pain explodes in her pussy! Her feet slip off the ladder and she dangles from her hands with her legs kicking and waggling frantically as she tries to regain her footing. Standing below and behind Charlize, Cat grins sadistically as she raises the 2x4 piece of wood and swings again, this time aiming at Charlize' knee instead of her pussy.

CRACK!

The piece of wood smacks the side of Charlize leg and in her pain she loses her grip on the fire escape. Charlize drops to the cement and twists her ankle when her high heel snaps under the stress of the impact. She rolls over moaning and holding her ankle as Cat brandishes the length of 2x4 at her and demands the belt. Sullenly, Charlize takes the strip of leather off her shoulder...but instead of handing it to Cat, she swings it around her head, wrapping the buckle end around Cat's ankle and pulling, upsetting the brunette and dumping her on her butt. Cat loses her grip on the piece of lumber which skitters away as she falls.

"You bitch, you cut me," Cat yells as she looks at a superficial cut on her calf from the heavy belt buckle.

Both women get to their feet, Charlize swinging the belt over her head as she starts backing up the alley toward her finish line, or so she thinks. Disoriented during the fight, she's actually going the opposite direction from where she needs to go.

"Wrong way! Go that way," Gerda screams to her daughter, leaning out her window and pointing to the other end of the alley.

Charlize tries to maneuver around Cat, but in the narrow alley she doesn't have room to swing the belt as she tries to get around Cat who is crouching and fumbling for the 2x4 while keeping her eyes fixed intently on the belt whistling just inches from her face. The belt buckle hits the wall and it stops swinging briefly. It's all the opening Cat needs as she lunges forward, driving her shoulder into Charlize' belly and slamming her back into the wall. Charlize drops the belt as the breath is knocked out of her by the impact of being wedged between the wall and Cat's body. Cat puts Charlize into a side headlock, drags her away from the wall and runs her headfirst back into the cement block wall at the opposite side of the alley. Charlize' head hits with a solid THUNK and she drops to her knees holding her head.

Cat turns around, picks up the belt and heads toward the far end of the alley which is her finish line. As she turns, however, Charlize snatches the lid from a trash can and SMACKS Cat flush in the face with it. She tumbles over backward and lands heavily on the cement. Cat loses her grip on the belt which slides away from her. Charlize steps over Cat's prostrate form as she goes retrieve it, but Cat wraps her arms around Charlize' leg and tackles the blonde.

Charlize groans as she falls and her tender bosom barely cushions her body as it slams onto the unforgiving hard surface. Cat pulls Charlize up by the hair and turns her around facing her. She wraps her arms around Charlize chest and hoists her up into a bearhug. Grunting as Cat's arms tighten around her, Charlize has little option except to wrap her long legs around Cat's waist and start to squeeze with a scissors.

As she feels the power of Charlize' legs, Cat runs across the alley and slams the blonde's back into the cement block wall. Charlize groans but keeps her leg scissors around Cat, so the brunette turns around and runs Charlize' back into the opposite wall. The breath is knocked out of her and Charlize' legs slip down around Cat's waist. Cat turns around and runs across the alley again, slamming Charlize into the wall for the third time. This time the blondes legs drop and hang limp beneath her as Cat swings her around and carries her toward a large, green trash dumpster with the lid raised.

Cat plops Charlize' butt on the edge of the dumpster and starts to tip over backward into it. Gasping for air, Charlize screams as she grabs Cat by the hair with one hand and reaches back to hold herself up by grabbing the front edge of the lid with the other. As Cat pushes on her tender chest, Charlize desperately holds herself up and kicks her legs trying to keep from being toppled over into the garbage-filled refuse bin.

Cat slams her fist down on Charlize' tender pussy and her legs jerk and stiffen in a spasm of pain. Another punch to her brutalized breasts forces Charlize to release her grasp on Cat's hair to protect her tits. One more punch to the chest and Charlize starts to slide backward into the darkness of the trash dumpster. As she feels herself falling, Charlize frantically tries to use her handhold on the trash bin lid to hold her up. As her full weight pulls on it, however, the lid suddenly drops straight down on the two women struggling as they're draped over the edge of the container.

BWAAAAANG!!

The heavy lid crashes down on them. Charlize disappears and only Cat's legs are still visible, hanging limp and lifeless down the outside of the green bin. Stern gasps as his mind flashes back to a scene in "Wizard of Oz" after Dorothy's house landed on the wicked witch. Visions of lawsuits dance in his head as he and the audience crane forward to see what happens. Slowly, the lid starts to rise, then Cat's body slides forward into the bin and the lid slams shut once more. Then the lid is raised again and a long leg swings over the top, then an arm and finally Charlize Theron's face appears. She rolls over the top and falls to the pavement, her eyes glazed and blood from a small cut on the back of her head visible.

Charlize slowly crawls over to the belt. When she retrieves it, the blonde struggles to get to her feet, using the wall to support her on unsteady legs. Charlize slowly makes her way along the wall, stumbling often and staggering. She stops frequently to lean on the wall and shake her head but she gradually makes her way closer and closer to her finish line. The audience can see Charlize' mother Gerda who has come down from her window to greet her daughter at the finish line and congratulate her on a dramatic victory.

Suddenly, when Charlize is just ten feet from the line, she staggers and drops the belt. When she tries to bend over to pick it up she falls to her knees and leans over holding her head, still dazed from the tough fight. Then Gerda begins screaming at Charlize and frantically gesturing to her. As the camera's quickly pan back half the crowd comes to it's feet cheering as Cat Bell is walking resolutely down the alley toward Charlize. Her dress is torn and her head is covered with blood from a cut on the back of her head where the trash bin lid hit her, but she's walking steadily and rapidly, intent on retrieving 'her' belt and snatching victory from Charlize hands at the last possible second.

When Charlize sees Cat approaching, she starts crawling toward Gerda with the belt in one hand, flipping it ahead and then crawling past it, then flipping it ahead again. With Charlize only a few feet from the finish line, Cat dives at her and grabs her by her right ankle, trying to pull her backward. Charlize kicks Cat in the chest and breaks free, but Cat instantly grabs Charlize' other ankle and continues to pull.

Gerda sees Charlize body begin to slip back and, in a move born of her desperation, she reaches out, grabs the belt and starts pulling both Charlize and Cat toward the finish line. Cat starts crawling up Charlize' legs, her fingernails raking and clawing the back of Charlize' thighs, her ass cheeks and her back. As Cat reaches over Charlize' shoulder to pull back her arm, Gerda sits backward and gives a mighty tug! Charlize hand holding the belt is dragged across the finish line and referee Jenny McCarthy blows her whistle signaling the end of the event. It was Jenny's only contribution to the contest but it was controversial!

Cat sits up, incredulous that McCarthy would award the win to Charlize who was not only semi-unconscious but had received more than 'a helping hand' from her mother. Cat rolled Charlize over and slammed her fist down on the helpless blondes chest, bringing a squeal from her.

"Gimme my belt, damn you," Cat screamed at Charlize.

"Leave my daughter alone, you pervert," Gerda yelled in thickly accented English.

"Get outta the way," Cat screamed. "Or I'll give you the same as I gave her."

Cat grabbed the belt and tried to pull it from Charlize hand but when she didn't let go, Cat raised her fist to punch her in the breast again. Gerda let out a yelp and kicked Cat in the chest, knocking her back off of Charlize into the alley. Just at that moment, Mina rounded the corner. All she saw was Gerda kicking her helpless daughter in the chest for no reason. She raced forward and threw herself on Gerda, pummeling her with her fists as Jenny McCarthy, two beefy security guards, a camerawoman and the late-arriving Howard Stern all tried to separate them and restore order. The studio audience, far from being outraged by the atrocious conduct of two mature, sophisticated worldly women and their multi-million dollar movie star daughters, cheered, jeered and applauded every kick, punch, scratch and yank on someone's hair during the melee. Once order was restored, more or less, Stern conferred with Jenny McCarthy and then made his ruling.

"Since the rules were, basically, that there were no rules - I believe my exact words were, 'anything goes' - then getting or giving help isn't a problem. Theron wins the alley fight. Now, this creates a bit of a problem. Since you each won two events and the other was a draw..."

"Draw my ass!" Cat protests. "I beat her like a drum in the oil wrestling. She spent more time on her back than Anna Nicole Smith, for God's sake!"

".... and the other was a draw," Stern continued. "We have a tie. The question is, how do we break the tie, or should we just split the prize money between you? I've got about 20 minutes of satellite time left, so if you want to settle it yourselves, you'll have to hurry. Whadda ya think? Ladies?"

Cat and Charlize looked at each other and then at Stern. Then they both shrugged. He was surprised when neither of them objected, and that Cat didn't try to impose more demands the way she had at every other step in their negotiations so far. Both Cat and Charlize seemed to be caught up in the excitement of competition and neither wanted to let it end in a 'no decision' tie.

Stern turned to Mina and told her it was her turn to draw an envelope, but Gerda immediately objected, pointing out that, "The girls agreed to do five fights and they've done them. If you want this settled, put me get in the ring with her and I'll kick that old Arab hag's ass for you."

About half of the fans whooped and hollered in support of the big woman's suggestion while the other half groaned. They'd paid good money to see Theron and Bell, but they wanted to see CHARLIZE Theron and CAT Bell, not Gerda and Mina. Before Stern could decide how to deal with Gerda's suggestion, Mina stepped up and slapped the South African across the mouth with her open hand. Gerda's hair flew as her head swiveled on her shoulders.

"Who are you calling a hag, you saggy-titted old whore?" Mina hissed.

Both women flashed their claws as they simultaneously lunged for the others hair, trapping Stern between their mature bodies. The ring attendants and their daughters pried them apart, but it was obvious that the ill will that had been building between them while their daughters battled had come to a head.

Stern checked his watch and told them, "OK ladies, you've got FIVE MINUTES to get changed. I'm going to settle this with a mother-daughter tag team match. The fight will go for a fifteen minute time limit. Whichever team has the most pins or submissions in that time gets the money for their charity. Get the ring ready boys while the women find something to wear. The clock is running ladies."
****
Poor Courtney Love comes down from the audience and does a couple of impromptu songs with the house band but is practically ignored by the audience who is buzzing about the up-coming contest. But Courtney gets the audience's attention, and a standing ovation, when she calls out Pink and Gwen Stefani and challenges them both to fight her, "right here, right now!" Stern gets things under control, eventually having to promise Courtney she can fight anyone she wants on his syndicated TV show at a date in the near future - if she can find a willing opponent.

After a commercial break, Stern is back standing in the middle of the ring interviewing the referee for the tag team match, Brooke Shields; one celebrity actually big enough to handle the women in this fight. After chatting with her for a couple of minutes, Stern checks his watch and calls out the women for he say, "...definitely the final fight, at least for tonight."
To the conclusion